I have so much to say about this topic, but I am going to start with introducing this concept of sexual scripts. Sexual scripts are what we “think” we should be doing when it comes to a sexual encounter. A heterosexual sexual scripts looks pretty much like this:
The goal is sex and orgasm, typically for the male partner.
However, most women do not orgasm from vaginal penetration alone. Most women need some sort of clitoral stimulation. Let’s look at the work by Dr. Laurie Mintz, a sex therapist, who did some research which is detailed in her book Becoming Cliterate and showed how women orgasmed. Only 4% orgasmed from intercourse alone. She showed that 77% of women needed clitoral stimulation either alone or alongside of penetration (click the picture to take you to Dr. Mintz’s blogpost on this).
So what does this have to do with foreplay? Everything! If women are not receiving their ultimate pleasure from penetration, then attention must be given outside of this act. Not only that, people who have responsive desire, meaning they feel sexual desire in response to something – an interaction, a thoughtful gesture, quality time together, date night trying something new, “foreplay” ect – then they need that connection and intimacy prior to a “sex act”. I put that in quotes because, how are we defining sex? By penetration alone? That is a very heteronormative and male-pleasure focused way of thinking. Really, anything can be sex – oral sex, anal sex, phone sex, solo sex. It doesn’t involve putting something into something else.
So instead, a sexual script could look like any number of things! In fact, when I am working with women or couples on improving sexual satisfaction and connection, we focus on re-writing their sexual script. Getting out of this societal imposed way of how sex is supposed to go. Phew, that’s a tall order! But it’s doable. Below is how a sexual script can look. Note this is not all inclusive, I’ve left out a lot because you can fill in anything that is interesting or pleasurable to you.
If you need help, I recommend heading to AASECT and finding a sex counselor or therapist near you. Sex therapists are mental health counselors and psychologists who have done additional training in the sex therapy field. Sex counselors are typically medical providers (MDs, DOs, PAs, NPs), physical therapists, occupational therapists or nurses who have done additional training to earn the title of sex counselor. Sex counselors help bridge the gap between biological and psychosocial causes to sexual concerns.
And I will leave you with one last very important thought – the goal of sex is not orgasm or penetration. The goal of sex is connection, intimacy and pleasure.
